After we’ve been with our partner for a while, we will have no problem making a list of things that really annoy us about them. Things like…
- He spends too much time with his family
- She doesn’t want to go camping with me
- He doesn’t like Italian food
- She doesn’t like taking long walks
- He doesn’t read books and watches too much TV
- She’s very messy when getting ready
- He never picks up his clothes and always expects me to do it
- She doesn’t like the same TV shows that I do
I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea!
We still love our partner and want to be happily in relationship with them but it can become frustrating and lead us to believe that we are in relationship with the wrong person. Before our relationship, we believed that we were meant to do everything together… eat, sleep, like the same food, movies and books, go to bed at the same time every night and want to have sex at that same time, and know exactly what the other person is thinking.
Love is the trust and knowledge that when you are together, you both show up with kindness, vulnerability and understanding, which creates a deep bond between the two of you that cannot be shaken.
These beliefs and expectations put an awful lot of pressure on the other person to be our everything and make us happy every minute of the day, which is an ideal way of being but virtually impossible and we feel let down and betrayed by them.
What we really need in relationship is a simple recipe made up of 3 ingredients and they are frequently overlooked. Instead, we focus on how they look, how successful they are, how much money they have, who their family is, and on and on, which leads us to very unhappy couplings.
The first of the 3 important and non-negotiable ingredients for a loving relationship is kindness. A partner who is accepting of our imperfections and quirks and still tolerates us with good humour and kindness is a keeper.