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Why You Choose The Wrong Partner?

Michele Paradise

Havening Practitioner, NLP Master Practitioner and Trainer, Hypnotherapist

3 min read

We’re all looking for happiness when we choose a partner but what if what we’re actually looking for is familiarity? The root word of familiarity is family and this can explain why we choose the wrong partner because our decision comes from our experiences in childhood.

The first romantic relationship that we model is the one between our parents. Even if they’re divorced, separated, or fighting all the time, they are still in a relationship with each other, although it may be dysfunctional.

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Reasons we choose the wrong partner based on our childhood experiences

1. We are not able to filter out the emotionally damaged partners and leave. We may have learned in childhood by watching our parents’ relationship that you mustn’t leave. You must stay and suffer in silence so we stay. We get stuck in our own dysfunctional story.

2. We are not a friend to ourselves. When partners hurt us emotionally or physically, we go inside and ask ourselves what we have done wrong. How we could be better, thinner, prettier, smarter. We do not have the ability to put our needs first because we were never taught how to do this by our caregivers.

The root word of familiarity is family and this can explain why we choose the wrong partner because our decision comes from our experiences in childhood.

We can’t disappoint anyone. We don’t know how to say no, especially in love. We are people pleasers from our childhood because when we keep people happy, they won’t reject and abandon us so we always put their needs before ours, which gives them the unspoken right to treat us badly again and again.

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We have too much hope. We grew up in a family that wasn’t able to fulfil our needs of being seen, being heard and being loved and we lived in hope that one day they would. We now take this hope into our adult relationships and live in hope that our partner will fulfil our needs, even if they are unkind, and we do this with an incredible amount of patience in the hope that they will one day change and they don’t.

We are scared of being alone but it comes with a big price tag. Feeling safe and free is a much better space to be in than to feel frightened and trapped in a relationship. Worse than being in no relationship at all is to be stuck in a relationship that you don’t feel you can get out of. Happy single people make better partners because they take their time, find out who they are, find out who their partner is without desperation.

We find kindness boring. If we have had a childhood where there was a lot of chaos and we were vying for our parents’ attention, then we will choose a partner that may do the same and create chaos, fear and rejection, and we normalize. We tell our friends that the kind person is boring; we don’t have that chemistry with them when in actual fact, they don’t bring suffering to the relationship and that is what we are really missing. We don’t have the muscle memory for being treated well by a kind partner.

The solution? Treat yourself well. Connect with your younger self with compassion, forgiveness and understanding and make a decision to stay awake and alert when going into a relationship with someone and be aware of the 6 points I made above. Be true to yourself. Find your voice and speak your truth with compassion. You are not your childhood story. For more information please visit my website and try my relationship quiz.